My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
