He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
