Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
