So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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