There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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