You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
