First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can't talk, ducks in the car
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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