He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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