I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
