So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
