I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
where are my eyebrows?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
