Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
