Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
