It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
