Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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