I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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