My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
