Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
