oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
