Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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