Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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