so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
