I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
