you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if only i could text you this smell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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