is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
