WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We are all done wearing pants today
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
