Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
