I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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