U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
