A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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