I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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