You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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