Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
