What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
