I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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