I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
