All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
