tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
