he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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