Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
