Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
