Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
