I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
