I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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