He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
