dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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