If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
