I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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