When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
