At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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