Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
