Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
